Right, actual learning doesn't come easily, and being a good teacher is hard. I was stressed most of yesterday and had a crappy night worrying about teaching a class this morning. Then I got mad at myself for being ridiculous about it, which also kept me up. It's not rocket science, it's a one hour fitness class for crying out loud, but there were some new elements I am not used to teaching and well, new people. And an evaluator doing the class with us. It was okay, but not fantastic and sure as hell not perfect.
I got great feedback about areas to focus on and ways to do it, so why does it feel crummy? That's kind of the point of being supervised - to work at things and improve. I can give my kids an amazing lecture on the topic but can't seem to cut myself any slack. Do ya think they'll pick up on the words or actions, hmm?
Standard theme for me - I have a very developed fear of failure and incredibly high expectations of myself. I read about it and practised it, so why can't I do it perfectly the first time out? I can talk myself out of it but am so frustrated that I have to. I know it was okay, and I'm not looking for a chorus of "I'm sure you did great", I'm just wondering if this is something I'm going to learn to deal with efficiently in this lifetime or not. You'd think I'd have had time to work it out by now.
Side note: If/when I find myself in the role of evaluator, I love giving people a chance to share their own feedback on how things went first. They usually know what their challenges and strengths are and it's liberating for them to be the one to bring them up first. It provides a great opening for discussion on where to take things next without the fear of judgement. My two cents.
4 comments:
Oh, you. I'm sorry this is such a struggle for you, the high expectations and fear of failure, because all I see when I look at you is a strong, capable woman who has changed my life for the better in so many ways. It's frustrating when we let the same pitfalls plague us for years but I know they're worth fighting again and again.
I get this on EVERY SINGLE LEVEL. And I *totally* appreciate your side note too. That's brilliant.
I find even when I'm training someone on something new at work I will always ask if the person even *wants* to learn what I think they are capable of. If they say no, we talk about why they think they can't and why I think they can and then we make a firm decision from there.
This rings so true, all of it. These barriers (and the associated fears) keep us from even starting new things, never mind completing them. I'm proud of you for persistence -- your kids are seeing that too.
Great comments, Amanda and Nicole.
I just had bedtime conversations with both girls on this topic (related: I am terrible at mellowing people out for the night). Comparing to others, trying new, scary, things, feeling like we're failing because we're not THE best at anything. Gah!
Thanks Amanda, your openness about things that are hard for you that you keep kicking to the curb has been encouraging for me. We all have insecurities in there somewhere (I think).
Cool idea Nicole - asking rather than telling or making assumptions about goals makes so much sense!
Thanks to Jeremy too for helping me stick with it - proud of your teaching endeavour today too!
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