4. Children and adults can be assessed at any age. However, the ideal age for testing is between 5 and 8 ½ years. By the age of 9, highly gifted children may hit the ceiling of the tests, and gifted girls may be socialized to hide their abilities. Unless they are absolutely certain they are right, gifted girls are often unwilling to guess, which lowers their IQ scores. (emphasis mine)
I don't know if I was ever in that category or not but the concept of having that socialized into girls by 9 is ominous and rings true for me. I have never figured out how to be proud of my accomplishments, abilities and gifts without the perception that I'm making other people feel bad. Bragging. Showing off. Guilt, the everlasting guilt. A lot of that training happened through school. I understand why it was done, but it's affected my concept of self permanently.
Net result? I second guess things all the time that I know. I did not notice this until I read the above quote and now I see it many times a day. Part of me went underground. I tried to downplay it and certainly never, ever went above and beyond what was (is) required. I'm often able to learn things really quickly, but when I don't it has been clearly pointed out to me that I'm not-so- perfect after all and oh thank goodness she sucks at something. This must where my fear of failure developed so strongly. I don't recall many times where I was genuinely encouraged to take on more, follow my nose and challenge myself with harder material. It was always about slowing me down. I may have selective memory.
I desperately wish that someone would have opened my mind to other options back when I was applying for university at the very least. I always got "you could do better if you put in more time" but never had any reason to care. I wanted to be a nurse for a while. Nobody said hey, that's cool but if you applied yourself to your science and math courses you could shoot for physio or doctor! I am also from a small, conservative town and that's a huge part of it as well. You're a smart girl, do you want to be a teacher, nurse or social worker before you have kids? *sigh* Social worker? Check. Kids? Check.
I don't know if it's too late to learn to trust that part of my brain. I fear it's mostly sawdust by now and don't even know what I'd apply it to anyway. I haven't really learned to work hard, don't have good study habits and am terrified to try new things because I might not get it right and other people will enjoy that (in my mind). I have this vague but looming sense that I had something special and lost it. Wasted it. Failed. I sound like I'm 90. Other days I feel more inspired by possibilities but don't know where to focus the energy.
All this baggage and I'm supposed to help my girls navigate these waters successfully?
9 comments:
Seriously Tannis, this is an eye opening quote. I think it is very scary! I have a very bright little girl and don't want her to think that she can't be smart. I want her to excel and do whatever she can and wants (especially with the love of God in her heart)with her intelligence. Thank you for sharing it.
I strongly believe this about birth. The woman who have these amazing "normal" births feel bad about sharing their birth stories with other woman who had horrible births. I know I do. Yet because of this most people think that birth is the MOST painful/AWFUL/gross/scary experience ever! It's SO sad!
I hear ya!
Marcia- it's always a little tense for me to bring up the subject, so thanks for the encouragement. If your daughter is smart she'll figure it out, right?!
Kaili - I hadn't thought of that connection for some reason but you're exactly right! I don't say about my births much either and that's sad. We need to sit around and tell good stories while watching children run.
I have nothing insightful to say - except that I think you and I have some things in common that I would just love to talk about. I just found myself nodding as I read along, realizing that you articulated things that were floaating around in my subconscious.
I have feared failure my entire life (in almost every aspect of life...so much so that I have given up before ever trying) and am trying to figure out how NOT to pass that on to my girls. I could go on and on...but wanted to say thank you for writing this post.
Thanks Vicki - your comment is encouraging, I'd love to chat. We have a few weeks of summer left to fit in that spontaneous playdate...
... from one generation of women to another, and whose life feels like time is moving far too quickly to do all that I have wanted to do ... just let me say that "it is never too late to be what you might have been" ... george eliot ... I know you're an amazing woman for many reasons ... loving my nephew being one of them. Just do it, Tannis. - Carol
Thanks for the commmet & quote Carol - it manages to both make me feel good about what I am doing in my life and feel inspired to keep dreaming!
I'm late reading this one... But I still wanted to comment.
I think this is SO TRUE. At least, it was very true for me. I completely relate to what you said (and I went from my small town to university where I promptly signed up to major in Education). Somewhere along the way, I figured out what I wanted and how to get there - but I often play the 'what if' game, wondering what I could have accomplished and contributed to the world if someone had identified my potential and helped me see that being smart might get me farther than an Education degree from a Manitoba university (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that, but it wasn't what I was passionate about). I had great parents... But I still somehow felt the need to dumb myself down, and I know that I deliberately gave wrong answers in school because I figured out that was more socially acceptable - I'm ashamed to realize that I was still doing that in university.
I hope and pray that I have the wisdom to be able to raise a girl who is free to be as smart as she is. Let me know if you figure that one out :)
Lindsay, thanks for the feedback. I'm shy about putting a post like this up so it's good to hear about similar experiences others have had.
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