I have a five-year-old who had a war nightmare so bad that she's had an upset stomach at bedtime for a few nights in a row. This is a kid who doesn't watch news, doesn't even know anyone in the military and lives in Canada. I didn't get the details of the dream but from what I can pick up our yard was invaded by soldiers who were going to do something really, really bad to us.
She has asked good, insightful questions about death, what a soldier does, why there is an army at all, and why can't people figure this stuff out without war. We are open when she asks us and don't pretend to really understand why people do that to each other.
It's hard to be honest and reassuring at the same time. She might sleep better if we don't tell her the truth but who does that help in the long run? I don't want to reinforce our strong tendency as individuals and a nation (world) to ignore the bad things if they're not happening in our backyards. I've gotten pretty good at blocking it out so my life is more comfortable. That is the opposite of what we want to model to our kids but it's so painful to see that creeping into early childhood. Is there some sort of balance between being sensitive to the pain of the world around us, taking action and staying sane?
Her dream is similar to the ones I often had as a kid. Mine were spawned by hearing about the persecution of Christians in Russia when I went to church. "Communism", the "cold war" and the "iron curtain" were the labels that went with it (I'm not saying they're justified). Running, hiding, waiting in terror, loss, being separated from loved ones. That's a lot for anyone to deal with, nevermind at 5.
The conversation is making me think of all the kids who never had a childhood (figuratively or literally) of any kind and the adults trying to protect them from real dangers. It's overwhelmingly sad, depressing and infuriating. I don't have the answer for that one yet but I would love to sleep tonite.
4 comments:
Oh I feel so bad for her! I too used to have horrible nightmares about death & war - just plain scary things and my parents still say they don't know how I even knew about half the stuff since I too wasn't exposed to it.
Here's hoping she has better dreams from here on in! As my parents would say to me before bed "may you dream of lollipops and cotton candy" - don't know why those were synonymous with sweet dreams, but they were.
Kids always pick up way more than we think they do. Ivy did manage to fall asleep reading last night without mentioning her anxiety but I could still see it in her face. It seems to be fading a bit so hopefully she gets a break for a while.
She'd probably get a kick out of the "lollipops and cotton candy" instead of the usual "sweet dreams", I'll have to try it on her.
hey Tan.
What a bad scary dream. Sorry to hear. I never know what to say to Ty and wonder if what I come up with helps at all. Hard to say. He gets the same tummy aches with worries and fears. :( Sometimes there are no good answers. Just honesty and learning to manage the bad with the good. And being aware of how many people are trying to "figure this stuff out without war" I think helps too. ? ? Imagine what kids and their parents go through who are directly affected by war.. I can't even begin.. :( :( Hurts. We love our kids so much, their sweet hearts and playful, honest nature is so beautiful. I want to know why people can't figure this stuff out too. !! damn it. ;)
I highly recommend (not for Ivy but you and Jer ;) ) -- "War is a force that gives us meaning" by Chris Hedges. Fantastic book.
I'll have to look up that book Shawna, thanks for the tip. I've found that when Ivy has talked about the dream the last few nights it's the residual terror causing the problem, she's not in a rational space to discuss the issues behind it. It also means you can't either rationalize the fear away. Good old-fashioned snuggles and letting her fall asleep close to one of us is working wonders for now.
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