There are several factors in my life right now that are, for the most part, out of my immediate control. I'm dealing very poorly with it. I would say that I'm a pretty easy going person in most cases but clearly there are exceptions. Arguments that I am a control freak:
1) Refusing to use a realtor to sell our townhouse.
It started as a money-saving lark but it has become a personal mission. Yes, they're the experts and could likely have sold this place 3 times over in the last month. That's not worth $10,000 to me at this point. It's a pain in the butt and I'm not a very patient person but sadly, it's become a grudge match. We've had so many realtors call and try to intimidate us and essentially call us stupid that it's got my dander up. I wonder how many blacklists we're on for trying to "beat the system". And how much dirt I'll have to eat if we ever do end up listing.
2) Serious and ongoing angst about sending Ivy to school.
We haven't seen the last of this issue. We know too much about home schooling and unschooling for this to sit well but have decided to give it a shot for kindergarten. I'm trying to sort out how much of it is basic separation anxiety that most parents go through with their first kid and how much of it is just a bad match for our values.
3) Having had our babies at home.
This is my pet issue. I've been devising a 12,000 word essay on this topic in my head for months but haven't been able to find a way to do it with any clarity. The thing I want to get across is for women to know their facts and options and take responsibility for them WITHOUT adding guilt to anyone's experiences. Labour is absolutely hard enough without pointing any fingers. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, even if everything is done exactly right. There is the opposite problem though of a high level of interventions that were probably not essential, given the right support and guidance.
Until I can come up with my manifesto, and if you are planning to have any babies, please at least browse though Ina May Gaskin's book "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth". Yes, some of the stories are over the top hippie fare but she's got a lot of really thought provoking and intuitive stuff to say. If I had to boil it down, I'd say the theme was "trust yourself first". Not science, not doctors, not even your midwife. You and your gut. Pun intended.
11 comments:
I'm laughing here...
Usually control freaks list the house with the best realtor, send their kids to the best school and hire a good OB/GYN to have their C-sections at 1:00 in the afternoon.
Yer striking more as a chaos addict than control freak!
Power to the chaos addicts...even at this great distance, I'm in your court Tannis!
Chaos addict, I much prefer that title! The control freak one wasn't sitting well. I can see it's almost time for that visit to your fair island to learn more about real learning.
Anytime Tannis...we'd love to have you guys.
This is very interesting material! Auntie Dianne conveyed some of your thoughts on birth to me before I had Palmer and I completely respect them.
My issue was that I didn't know how to take yours and my friends thoughts (3 of my best friends are in the medical field in some capacity) and the doctor's thoughts and my thoughts and make it into a birth I was completely sure of. 9 months to figure it out and I couldn't do it.
That bothered me for the first little while post pregnancy but now I just say ... it happened the way it did for a reason and I now know I can make a WAY more informed decision the next time around - and I am okay with that.
Thanks for making me think about this Tannis! As Oprah would say "What I know for sure" ... I cannot find myself holed up in a hospital for 5 days from the start of labour to the time they let me out post c-section! That is the definition of hell on earth.
Nicole
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Nicole. I think you have a great approach in taking time to reflect, integrate new ideas for next time and be thankful for the gorgeous babe you got out of it. It's shocking how vulnerable we are heading into that first pregnancy and birth. If I hadn't known people who had gone the homebirth route or not had supportive families it would have been extremely hard.
I know from friends' experiences how intense the pressure gets when you're "overdue" and I didn't have to deal with that. I spent half an hour touring the hospital while I was pregnant and that sealed the home birth. Five days sounds grim.
Incidentally, isn't it irritating that you can't edit a comment once you post it? I left a word out of a sentence that changed the entire meaning so I had to redo the whole thing.
Vulnerable is so the right word to describe that first pregnancy. You want to believe that you know what you should do, but do you know better than a doctor? That's what I really struggled with, especially when the complications came my way.
And you're right the pressure is tough when you're overdue (especially 10 days like I was) but I think what is an even tougher thing to contend with was the exhaustion and frustration of why is my body not doing what "they" say it should be doing by now. Even the anticipation of baby coming makes you feel like you'll do anything to have it arrive.
It's strange really. They need a class on how to deal with those feelings, not how to swaddle your baby. Palmer's only goal in his first few weeks of life was to escape from the swaddle as quickly as possible - so a lot of good that did!
And yes, I completely agree ... they need an edit function on the comments section because inevitably I find I make a spelling mistake at some point in my typing. I wonder if that is a part of Blogger Beta. If it's not, it should be!
Nicole
Being one who is going the route of having our baby completely by the medical book, I thought I'd step out on a limb here and explain why. I LOVE the idea of a homebirth, and highly respect those who choose them. However, we live too far away from a hospital for my own comfort, and for our first I am not going to take that chance. My mother-in-law has reminded me time and time again how Ryan would not be alive today had he not been born in a hospital. Again, maybe I'm not seeing the "big picture" but my fear of the unknown (particularly pain, and also possible complications) makes me feel much more at ease knowing that there will be immediate help if it is necessary. Personally, I would have liked to have had a doula or a midwife still - to help me through labour without needing meds. However, my husband was completely opposed to a third party being so closely involved in the event. So, respecting his opinion, we do not have any extra help. Jer recently commented on my blog about the whole idea of induction. It doesn't thrill me much to think that I may be induced, however, as selfish and despicable as some may find it - I am happy and at peace with knowing when the end may come, and the new beginning may start. And, heafen forbid I admit this, but it would make some parts of our lives a little more convenient (an impending vacation). All of this may stem into the fact that I have actually been pregnant now for a full straight year - minus 3 weeks. Anyway, this was a horrendously long comment that is not intended at all as a rebuttal or argument for or against homebirth - but rather as insight to the choosing of the opposite. I'll let you know in a week or so whether I would do it again.
Heather, I think it's important for you (anyone) to be wherever you're the most comfortable so you can do what you have to do without extra distractions. You would have a miserable home labour if you were thinking about emergencies in the back of your mind! Distance from the hospital is an issue too and I felt good about only being a few minutes away. You have a whole different situation. As long as you're confident in your ability to do it you'd be fine even in the back seat of a car. Not that I'd choose that.
I don't get the impression you need to worry about the pain. You're so stoked and positive about this baby it will keep you going. If it gets too crazy the drugs will be there - so no worries either way.
I think Jer commented because we've heard from so many friends the progression...you're "due", "overdue", let's induce with the mellow stuff, oh hey no dilation/labour, intense drugs, baby's heartrate drops, c-section. Major abdominal surgery for a labour that would in most cases have started within days on it's own. Suddenly it's a six week recovery instead of a few days (and that would reallllly suck for Hawaii).
I totally understand that nobody wants to wait too long and put baby at risk but if it was me, I would ask the doctor directly about the risks of waiting and monitoring vs. the complications that can come from inducing. Then you make the decision you're most comfortable with. I'm so opinionated I can't believe myself sometimes.
Incidentally, Jer was also very against the 3rd party at the labour. We got lucky and had a midwife who played the role of doula for us. To have the constant support of someone calm and confident who has seen it before is amazing.
All right, just go into labour now and this will all be useless trivia to you. Or maybe reach for the castor oil, it can't be half as bad as pitocin from what I hear.
My report back: Thank the good Lord I was NOT induced. In the knick of time baby decided to come out of there! Yay! And you were right Tanis, a positive mind set (and a very quick 8 hour labour with 18 minutes of pushing) can get you through the birth without all kinds of meds. Just used gas, and that was all I needed - though they take that away for the pushing part. I would do it again, and I say that just 9 days after birth. Recovery is going a little slow for my liking, as I did have to have an episiotomy - but I'd do that again too, knowing it was the right choice for James. Thanks for your thoughts on the subject - it's totally fascinating to me, and now I want to be a L & D nurse.
I think James knew what his options were and decided to make an appearance! I am so happy about the way your labour turned out - sounds like you embraced the experience for the miracle it is.
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